


All's Fair (In Love and War)

by Pearly_Pornography



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, double-date, literally everything goes wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-15 23:55:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13042206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearly_Pornography/pseuds/Pearly_Pornography
Summary: Seth wants a double date. Pickles doesn't know who his boyfriend is. Magnus is under the impression that he's inviting "a friend".





	All's Fair (In Love and War)

"Ugh."

"Ugh what."

Pickles grunted, passing Nathan his cell phone.

"Fuckin' read this shit."

"Alright, uh..." He pauses, putting on his reading glasses. "'Dear Bro'-- Oh dear god."

"Y'didn't even notice his contact name writt'n at th' top."

"Alright, yeah, okay. 'Dear Bro. Was wondering if you and Nate were'-- No. No, he doesn't get to call me Nate. He doesn't get to--"

"He wants t' go on a double date."

"...With his wife?"

"No, y'know how him an' Amber have like, an agreement. That they can date on th' side 'cuz they hate each other."

"So this is his... girlfriend?"

"Boyfriend."

"Who is it?"

"Dunno. I ain't met th' guy."

"Well then. What, are we supposed to ride the DethPlane to Australia, or..."

"No, no, he's jest gonna come here. Apparently he knows a place nearby, I guess."

"Alright. Cool. Makes my life easier."

"I am absolutely naht lookin' forward to this." Pickles grunted, kicking a leg up on the table. "I guess it's preferable to my original plans fer th' night." Pause. "Toki wanted t' take me and Dr. Rockso out to Dave 'n Buster's."

"Oh god."

"So I guess we'll just... hang out 'till then."

"What time should we leave?"

"Like, six-thirty?"

"Cool. Let's lay on the couch and watch Murderface's VHS copies of Ren & Stimpy."

"Sounds like a plan."

-

"He's twenty fucking minutes late." Nathan groaned. "He said he'd pick us up, six-thirty on the dot!"

"At this point we should know dat, uh--"

"That Seth can't be trusted with anything," They spoke in unison. Nathan let out a low sigh, until he noticed the nose of a white limousine at the end of the road. "Shit. He's here. Do I look presentable? My hair isn't messed up, right?"

"Who feckin' cares? My brudder could barely even dress 'imself 'till he was 8."

The limo came to a halt, and the back window rolled down. Seth stuck his head out, pulling down his incredibly douchey sunglasses.

"What's with the tuxedos." He scoffed. "You two are overdressed as shit."

"You're  _worth it._ " Pickles' words were laced with venom.

"Cool, wha'ever. Jus' get in, this thing is fuckin' huuuuge!"

"Is Prince Charmin' in dere?"

"Nah, I gotta get 'im at his apartment building." He grinned. "I figured I'd surprise 'im, that my big bro an' his butt buddy are in fuckin' Dethklok." Nathan gritted his teeth at use of the phrase  _butt buddy._ He also had visible trouble fitting into the car door. "Still got them footballer shoulders, huh."

"Mmh."

There was a wide space in the seating area of the limo, with six seats, three on each side facing each other.

"I was gonna bring Amber, make it a triple date, but uh, her girlfriend talked shit about me last time she called, so I'm givin' her the fuckin' silent treatment." He grinned, sticking his head back out the window, facing Mordhaus, and shouting, "Talk to the hand, bitch!"

"Giddafuck back in 'ere."

"Right, right. Driver, let's go." He rolled the window up once more.

The car began to move, and the soft, distant lights of other buildings quickly entered into view, slightly illuminating the gloomy landscape near Mordland. They drove through the good part of town, and then the decent part, and then the shitty part, right into the slums, in complete silence. The only thing that Seth reacted to at all was the occasional distant  _gunshot_. Pickles wrinkled his nose.  _Christ, who even was this guy, anyway?_

The car halted in front of a broken-down apartment. By Pickles' standards, even his standards from years ago, this place looked nigh unlivable. A figure stood in the distance.

"Izzat th' guy?"

"Uh, yeah. I think so." Seth rolled the window back down. "Babe! Get over here!"

Pickles averted his gaze. This guy was probably gonna be a huge tool, just like Seth was. Just a complete fucking toolbox. Suddenly, Nathan was tugging on Pickles' suit jacket.

"Naht now, dood."

"No, Pickles, it's--"

The car door on the other side opened.

All was silent. Their eyes connected. Pickles looked at Seth. Then at Nathan. Then at Seth again. Then at.  _Oh dear fucking god, this was real, wasn't it._ Seth had a grin painted on his face, like he'd done something super cool, like this was a great idea.

"Eh?  _Eh?_ Dethklok double-date reunion party? Get a few drinks? Talk about old times?"

"Oh my god."

"Oh my gahd."

"Oh my fuck."

Seth's grin faltered a bit.

"You'll have fun."

"No, wait," Magnus. That motherfucker. Magnus futzed with the car door handle for a moment. "Don't start the-- Stop the fucking car!"

"For once I agree with him, let me out of this fucking limo." Nathan already looked half dead.

"Seth, what the- you told me you were inviting  _a friend_." 

"And I did."

"You know who that--"

"Yeh."

"And you know--"

"Yeh?"

"What if he accidentally drinks my glass of water." Nathan mumbles. "He's had Murderface's  _dick_ in his  _mo--"_

Magnus reached out to grab Nathan's collar, only for Seth to push him back. Pickles was fucking wide-eyed, gape-mouthed. Seth knew. He was just a fucking liar. As per usual. He wanted to go on a double-date, and wasn't stupid enough to think Nathan and Magnus would tolerate one another's presence.

"Keep it movin', Driver."

"I have a  _name_ , you know." The driver called.

"Sorry, Dave."

"It's not--"

"Can we just get goin', Dave."

The driver, whose name wasn't Dave, loudly sighed, and the car began moving.

"... _Yuh put a fleshy bass pick in yer mouth._ "

"At least I don't have fucking  _booze-cock germs_ on my crotch."

"Okey, okey," Since Seth was making no attempt to stop this, it was up to Pickles to intervene. "How 'bout we just. Stay calm. An' don't talk about anythin' controversial. At all. Maybe jest don't talk in general."

" ** _I wish you would._** " Both ex-guitarist and frontman said together.

"Good. Great. Silent dinner. I love it."

The two were still staring at one another. Ten minutes into the quiet car ride, Nathan broke the silence.

" _Salo isn't a very good movie._ "

"Fucking- Excuse me? Have you even- I guess you're too dumb to comprehend symbolism."

"You're dumb if you think that even counts! It's like just videotaping a naked guy walking on camera and saying 'fascism is bad', it's not that deep, you pretentious tool."

"If you'd take two seconds to actually think about it instead of reading the subtitles and clocking the fuck out, maybe you'd understand it."

"It's not that hard to understand! They say fascism is the only true anarchy during the first like, ten minutes!"

"Oh, so  _that's_ pretentious, but  _Gummo_ isn't. I see."

"I don't care if Gummo's pretentious, it's fucking hilarious!"

This was gonna be a long... long... LONG car ride.

-

"And furthermore, if you actually think BoJack Horseman is  _better_ than F is for Family, you can eat my fucking dick."

"Well sorry that I'd rather watch an accurate depiction of depression than some old guy yelling at his kids!"

"Nate'n." The two stopped going at it. "We're here."

Nathan grumbles.

" _BoJack is fucking better, I only watched that other show for the little girl with the eyepatch..._ "

The place at least looked decent enough. It's clear that Pickles wasn't the only member of his family who had a  _spending-money-on-useless-shit_ problem. They piled into the place and Seth promptly fist-bumped the hostess, who also offered a bump to Magnus. He, however, did not take it. 

"Sat you towards the back, like usual."

"Thanks, sugartits."

She lowered her voice.

"Who're those dildos?"

"Don't call 'im a dildo, he's my brudder."

"Nathan's definitely a dildo though." Magnus tacked on. Nathan looked like his brow was ready to detach and punch the guy out. The hostess snickered, waving them over to whatever table they were at. "Thank ya, doll."

"Don't mention it."

A table right in the back, with two chairs on each side. Cleanly covered by a white cloth, with napkins folded into tall glasses and a vase in the center, as well as a short candle. A moment of silence for any possibility of decent social interaction.

"So do you just train people you know to call us dildos."

"Nate'n, don't--"

"I mean, it's a  _valid question._ "

"Um," Seth paused, clearly not noticing the tension in the air. "no?"

"Dere. Good answer." Pickles leaned his head on his hands. "What're yeh orderin'."

"Rum?"

"No, I mean like, food."

"..." Seth looks blankly for a moment. "Eeeh, uhh... Magnus, whad'you recommend." Magnus shrugs in response. "Dey got hamburgers? Sammiches? Somethin'. I'unno." Pickles gave him a look. "What, you're gonna get more whiskey than food too, an' you know it."

" _If I'm not drunk by the end of tonight, I'll probably kill someone._ " Magnus tacks it on, just barely loud enough.

"Nate'n, y'want anythin'?"

"Meat."

"I figured."

"All of it."

"Yeh, I figured."

"Thank."

"Can we jus' order like, a shitload a'..." Seth squinted at the hardcover menu. "Char... char-cuttery?"

"That's charcuterie, babe." Magnus corrected.

"Oh. Charcuterie. Hey, lady!" Loudly flagging down a waitress, Seth grabbed the edge of her skirt like a three-year-old to get her attention. The waitress was about to yell, but immediately recognized two members of Dethklok, and kept her mouth shut. "Thanks, doll. A'ight, I want, uh, glassa rum, a martini, a daiquiri, bourbon, fuckin', uh... tequila shots, like, 8 a' those..." He rattled off nearly every kind of alcohol, drink mix and cocktail known to man. Slowly, the list came to an end. "...jus' like, straight shots of gin... uh... oh. And the cutlery."

"Charcuterie."

"Yeh, yeh."

"Hey," Magnus snorted. "Think you could get a shitload of tubing and funnel beer directly into my asshole?"

"That's not a service we offer here, sir." The waitress was clearly torn between laughter and disgust.

"Damn. Always next time." The waitress stepped away, Pickles' face burning slightly from the embarrassment of being associated with these two at all. "Do you think there's like, bars where you have to butt-chug everything."

"I'm gonna invent that."

"Seth," Pickles finally spoke. "you know that alcohol breaks down really fast in yer asshole, right." Pause. "You get drunk really fast and die."

"That's the whole point!"

Magnus' sense of humor worked well for Seth, who laughed his ass off. Nathan allowed himself a teeny tiny chuckle.

"Also, yer my brudder, and if you keep harassin' waitresses I'm gonna kill you."

"Dood. You act like you haven't."

Pickles blinked.

"Nate'n, have I ever harassed a waitress."

"Do, uh, does it count if the whole band was doing it."

Motherfucker.

"No," Magnus added. "Why would your boys harass waitresses when they're all closeted homosexuals?"

"Just one of 'em."

"Two, Seth. It's two, at least."

"Who's the second one?"

"Toki."

"Oh, uh... yeh. I guess." Seth paused. "I dunno how closeted he is, he sends me birthday cards with rainbows every year."

"Seth." Pickles interrupted once more. "You're a closet case too."

Seth prepared to respond, but the waitress stepped back in, this time with what seemed like piles and piles of drink trays. Pickles swallowed roughly. It was insane. He hadn't really considered how much he'd negligently allowed his brother to order. How does he even know what butt-chugging is? It feels like Seth was 5 years old mere seconds ago. And now here he was, cheering and raising a tall glass of beer.

-

Nathan's harsh stare had softened, not by much, but still enough for Pickles to notice. He thanked god they had a chauffeur, because the whiskey was getting to his head. Not as much as Seth, who was practically pouring out of his chair and onto the floor, hung over the backing like a clock in a Dali painting. Magnus looked almost as bad.

"Seth," Magnus opened, holding a fist over his mouth for a moment. Seth shoveled a wad of prosciutto into his mouth. "whad'ya call a cross 'tween an elephant and a rhino."

"I'unno."

"A fucking abomination."

Seth laughed like he'd never heard a joke before. He laughed like he'd never laughed before. Like he'd never  _smiled._ The booze sure was getting to his head. Most of the time when his brother smiled it was smug and gross.

How anyone could feel genuine happiness around Magnus... was beyond him.

"Hol' on, hol' on, hol' on." Seth laid a piece of prosciutto over his forehead. "...I'm the meat man."

"You are so gross. I was gonna eat that and now it has your head flakes on it."

"I don't got head flakes. Pickles gaht all the bad skin genes."

Pickles quirked a brow.

"Seth, our family don't have any bad skin genes."

"You have more freckles than I do. Checkmate, biatch." Seth rose one of the tequila shots. "Hey, hey, hey, we should- we should all do one. Brotherly unity an' shit."

"You're not my brother." Nathan deadpanned.

"God, I don't mean it literally. If Magnus was my brudder it'd make this whole situation really weird."

"If we were brothers, this wouldn't be happening. Any potential weird incest shit would be ruined by the fact that I'd have to spend every waking minute with you." The words came out with trouble, as though Magnus was slowly re-remembering every word while he was saying them. Seth laughed, gently smacking Magnus on the shoulder. "Not as bad as living with Dethklok, though."

"Oh my god." Seth grinned. Pickles could feel his stomach drop. "What was it like."

"Half of us slept in the same bed. 'cept Murderface, he'd go to the couch. Said it was too gay."

"Seriously?"

"He got a cold once. Only one blanket on that couch. He nearly got hypothermia 'cause Pickles spent the potential electric bill on heroin."

"Dude. That's fuckin' surreal."

Pickles was so gonna kill both of them once they were out of this fucking place.

"You were s'posed to pitch in, yanno." Pickles rested his head on his cheek.

"I did."

"Ya gave me two dollars."

"At least I had two dollars."

"Pickles had two dollars!" Nathan shouted, downing another sip from his glass. "It's not that hard to get two dollars!"

"He prob'ly stole 'em from a tip jar." Magnus mumbled offhandedly to Seth. Immediately, Nathan rocketed across the table and grabbed Magnus by the collar of his perpetually-opened leather jacket. Pickles stood at the same time as his brother.

"Nate'n, Nate'n, stahp, oh my gahd--"

" _YOU DON'T STEAL TIPS._ "

"I know I don't, it was a joke, fuckin' chill, big guy, Christ..."

(To be fair, Pickles wouldn't, he'd been a waiter before and it sucked and blah blah blah, but he wasn't nearly drunk enough to give half a shit about Magnus' half-existent sense of humor.)

Seth was trying (and failing) to wrench Nathan's gigantic hands off of Magnus' leather jacket, and appeared to have been sidetracked by the fact that they were probably as wide as most packaged salami. Pickles also had issues getting used to that. Mostly when said fingers were occupied with  _other things_. 

"Nathan, eat a fuckin' Snickers."

Seth, despite saying this, was not in a Snickers commercial and didn't randomly have a Snickers at hand. And also there was no way Nathan would be hungry since he'd probably eaten nine pounds of prosciutto in the past ten minutes. Pickles was praying for death. He managed to tug Nathan down into his seat, and Nathan released Magnus' collar. The ex-Dethklok member whose face Pickles knew all too well curled his lips into a sour expression, adjusting the edges of his leather jacket. Expensive, but well-worn. Pickles held onto Nathan's cheek, shoving another slice of soppressata in his half-opened mouth. Shushing him.  _Calm down, Nate, it was a joke._ Nathan's drunken brain only partially registered the information. 

Magnus and Seth were mumbling across the table. For once, for ONCE, Pickles didn't wanna know. 

"We should prob'ly go."

"What? No." Seth slurred, pouring another shot down his throat and all over his neck and shirt. "We haven't even ordered dinner."

"We did order like, 800 drinks and way too much charcuterie."

"Charcutlery ain't dinner." He reached out into the aisle again, grabbing the same unfortunate waitress by the back of her collar. "Mamie!" She turned, huffing out from her nose, her nametag very clearly saying Marie. "Can we have dinner."

"...Yes."

Pause.

"So go get it."

"You have to  _order something_."

Pickles rolled his eyes, leaning over the table to Marie, who looked about ready to pop Seth's head off like a barbie doll.

"Can we just have a really... bloody. Rare steak. Please."

"What kind?"

"All. Yes. Every cut."

Marie wrinkled her nose.

"You sure you can pay for all that?"

"I'm in Dethklahk, I can pay fer anythin'."

She nodded, blankly jotting down the order and shuffling away. Pickles scowled at his brother. "Seth, you can't grab strangers by their clothes, she's naht yer fuckin' mahm." Seth shrugged, like he was just being a  _silly, rascally rapscallion_. He always got away with shit like this. Even in Tomahawk. And all this time, with all this development, he became like an overgrown fucking child. "I'm serious. You could get arrested."

"We'll just uncomfortably tug on each other's clothing in public instead." Magnus snorted. "And then fuck in all the diner booths."

"You're gross." Seth snorted in return. A lot of snorting between those two. Snorting and snrk-ing and laughing like pigs and monkeys. They were like a sitcom couple. Like they were, secretly, ready to choke one another.

-

"Nate'n, don't eat steak wit' your hands in public."

Nathan, who already had juice all over his hands and face, looked incredibly confused. Paying attention to him allowed him to ignore the fact that Seth was dipping his meat in tequila and then shoving whole pieces in his mouth, the same way they'd eat herring in the Netherlands. Occasionally Magnus would lick the tequila-blood drippings off of Seth's face. 

"But 's how you're s'posed to eat it..."

"I know, bud, I know." Pickles took a napkin and dabbed a bit of the fluid off of Nathan's mouth. "Most people don't really think so, though..." Nathan whined like a petulant child as Pickles laid the napkin over his lap. "No cryin'."

"I'm not crying."

"You sound like yer plannin' on it."

Nathan grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Magnus, quit licking me." Just in the corner of his ear, he could hear Seth fake complaining.

"No."

"Why are you licking me."

"Just 'cause."

"You're like a fuckin' bulldog, quit lickin' me."

"You secretly think it's cute."

"Bleeeeh."

Pickles rolled his eyes. 

"Nate'n, you can still eat, just not wit' yer hands."

"There's no point."

"The point is that it's dinnertime, you douchebag-- Stop picking it up wit' your hands."

Magnus finally shot a remark back across the table.

"He don't understand English too good."

Pickles connected gazes with Magnus, looking ready to commit murder. Somehow he was much more prepared to protect the honor of his boyfriend than of himself. "What? He doesn't, he didn't even know how to read when we were living together."

"He knows now." Pickles responded, finding little humor in the situation. 

"I do, I'm on like the second level of these stupid books Klokateer 47 keeps getting printed." Pause. Magnus and Seth exchanged momentary glances. Nathan seemed genuinely excited. "She's such a grandma..."

"Is she the one who bakes cookies?" Seth grinned. "I could go for one'a those."

"She's not a cookie prostitute!"

"What in the almighty fuck is a cookie prostitute."

"You always came off as more the cookie prostitute type." Magnus grumbled, shoving a slab of red meat in his mouth. "Seth, I hope you know that part of the reason I date you is the free luxury food." Seth elbowed him gently in the side. Nathan didn't respond. Twinkletits kept saying that engaging with people trying to bother you only makes them physically stronger for the coming winter, and Pickles was glad that Nathan took this clearly fake but oddly effective information to heart.

"Magnus, why you gahtta be such a dick."

"I think the real dick in this situation is my boyfriend, who neglected to tell me that your sorry asses would be here."

Seth huffed at him.

"Hey. Fuck you."

"Love yoooouuu."

Seth's scowl hardly softened.

"I didn't think you were still gonna be a little bitch about it."

"I almost got Skwisgaar's corpse tattooed on my left ass cheek while I was on a cocaine bender, Seth."

"I just attributed that to the-"

"The cocaine, yeah, yeah."

Pickles felt like his fist was trapped in Nathan's, he could be driving it through he skulls of two men.

"I have no idea how you two  _wonder_ why yeh don' have friends." He muttered. Seth shot him a look. Magnus either didn't hear him, or politely ignored the comment. Nathan patted him on the back, but it really didn't help. It really didn't. All the liquor in the world couldn't fix this. 

"Pickles, I had to take care of th' bedsores on your ass when you got the flu, okay, be fuckin' charitable."

Normally he'd argue, but Seth sounded just as done, if not moreso. "Maggie, I wanna go home."

Nathan began laughing loudly, and before he could utter the sentence,  _"He calls you MAGGIE?"_ , Magnus threw a glass straight at his forehead. And, being the meat-wad he was, Nathan was only dazed for half a second before rolling up his sleeves and diving over the table. Drinks flew everywhere, the gel in Seth's hair washed out with tequila. Before each brother could pull their respective boyfriend off of the other, Marie showed up, which made them all go quiet. Her voice was as flat as a sheet of paper.

"Sirs, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

They were silent. Nathan opened his mouth.

"But we're from Dethklok--"

"I'll call the police."

They all looked at one another, before dusting themselves off and agreeing to get the check.

-

The limo was plagued by silence. Nobody looked at one another. It lasted for several minutes. Seth was the first to speak.

"You guys are assholes."

"The negligence is on you." Magnus shot back.

"On  _me_ _?_ It ain't my fault you can't fuckin' chill! I just want a single thing to not go wrong in my life."

"You're the one working for the richest people in the world. It's like you're rubbing it in my face at this point."

"It sucks!"

"You're financially stable!"

"It's boring!"

"I'm bored and broke!"

"'s 'cause you're too busy thinking about how much you  _hate Dethklok_ or whatever instead of  _gettin' a job!_ _"_

"Fuck you! The job market is fucked!"

"Fuck you more!" And with that, Seth opened the door of the still-moving car and tuck-and-rolled out. The limo stopped. Pickles stared at Magnus and then Nathan and then Nathan stared at Magnus and they all turned to the opened door. At the very least, Seth's trademark whining made it known that he was still alive. Not to say that Pickles didn't think he would be. He just never grew out of being overprotective. 

He'd always been overdramatic.

"...Should we, uh..." Nathan trailed off. Magnus shrugged.

"This has never happened before."

"Um... Pickles?"

"We'll walk home." Pickles opened the door on the other side, shoving Nathan out. They shuffled down the road, not looking back. Not even bothering. "Nate'n, real quick, how far away are we from home." 

"Uh," Nathan looked around for a moment. "Pretty far. I can call a cab, though."

"Not until we're far enough. Fuckin' avoid the blast range."

"...Do they always do that?"

"I dunno." Pickles shrugged. "I didn't even know they were datin'."

"...Huh."

There was silence all the way home. They never called a cab. Seth texted Pickles a week later with a photo of the cast on his left arm. His Facefriends status continued to say "in a relationship". He didn't invite Nathan and Pickles out ever again. Pickles wished, almost, that things had gone different. But he had no idea why.


End file.
